


Levi's Birthday

by godalming



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, booty so smooth, can't believe it's not butter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 12:24:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godalming/pseuds/godalming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi's birthday goes terribly wrong. Armin is forever changed. </p><p>(complete crack, involving febreeze, teenagers, and implied blowjobs. enjoy.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Levi's Birthday

Eren was without shame or inhibitions. 

As he walked down the hallway, he didn't feel embarrassed, like he maybe should have. He felt proud. He'd spent five years in military training, running through mud pits and deadlifting potato barrels, and it was all worth it. It had all lead up to this. 

Sure, maybe he was a little...intoxicated. His vision was a bit blurred, and he was having difficulty walking three feet without crashing into anything. But that was just an obstacle. If it hadn't have been for that bottle of unmarked alcohol he and Jean found in the cellar earlier, he wouldn't be here right now. He wouldn't have had the best idea ever. Which he had. And was now enacting. Nakedly. 

Eren (drunkenly) realized that his previous attempts at charming his way into Levi's pants were ineffective, as he was still quite clearly outside of Levi's pants. All of the cheesy pick up lines and spastic winking were for naught. He had spent far too many hours admiring Levi's body. It was about time Levi started admiring his. 

But maybe, the problem was that Eren was always wearing clothing! If he just shed the jacket, and the shirt, and the pants, and the underwear too, there would be no more fabric in between Eren's physique and Levi's admiring eyes. So, that's exactly what he did. He kept the 3DMG on, because leather was universally known to increase sex appeal (even in small quantities), but left everything else in the cellar. Now he was headed up to Levi's room. It was Levi's birthday today, too, so this would be a nice surprise for the corporal after a long day of work. 

Eren turned a corner, stumbled, and crashed directly into something hard. Bertholdt Fubar backed up frantically, apologies erupting from his mouth like a sweaty volcano. 

"Ohmygodiamsosorryiwasntwatchingwhereiwasgoingthisbuildingishardtonavigateandicouldntseeyoubecauseiamtallandalsoiwasdistractedbyangstareyouokayareyouhurtdoyouneedabandageithinkihaveonesomewhereinmyroomormaybereinerhasafirstaidkithehaseverythingerenareyoualright"

"Whoa, man." Eren took a few steps back, blinking up at the ceiling light. "I'm fine. Stop talking, you sound like a...squid..."

"I'llgocallthenursedoweevenhaveanurseheremaybehanjicouldfunctionasanokaynurseactuallyonsecondthoughtnoshewouldprobablykillyouwithmedicinearminprobablywouldntthoughbutdoesnthehateyounow?ohibetREINERcoulddoitreinerdoesalotofthingslikecookingandcleaningandhesverygoodatmakingbedsmaybealittletoogoodohmygodwhathaveidoneyouvealreadylostonelegtoatitanyoudontneedtoloseanother...oh"

Bertholt finally looked at Eren, and froze. The sweat dripping down his brow sped up. His hand began to tremble slightly. 

Oh, thought Eren. He must be admiring my perfectly sculpted body. He winked at Bertholt in agreement. Bertholt responded by sweating loudly. 

Suddenly, Reiner Braun emerged from behind Bertholt's back, materializing from seemingly nowhere. He reached up to Bertholt's forehead, pink, lacy handkerchief in hand, and daubed at the sweat. Bertholt nodded in thanks, as Annie Leonhart appeared on his other side. The two led Bertholt away from Eren, and Eren continued his quest down the hallway. 

There was a nice couch in Levi's room, with weird kind of ugly looking green leather upholstery. It was the first thing Eren saw when he walked through the door, and he settled down on it. 

And fell asleep. 

About half an hour later, Eren awoke to the sound of laughter.

Weird laughter. Weird, loud, terrifying laughter. 

Levi was standing in front of him, holding his sides and shaking. And...laughing. Was he laughing?

There was certainly some sort of laughter-esque noise coming out of his mouth. But sounded kind of...sick, pained. Eren had never heard Levi laughing before beyond a quiet, demure chuckle. But this was a full on "HIIIIIEHIEEEEEHIEIEIEIE" whatever the hell that was. 

He was staring at Eren's dick, and laughing loudly. 

He must be having a seizure. 

Eren sprung off of the couch, narrowly avoiding tripping over the table as he did so. Bandages. He needed bandages. Bandages help seizures, right? His father was a doctor, he should know. 

There were no bandages in any of the drawers. There were none under the couch cushions, inside of the lamp shades, or taped to the window. Eren remembered that he had a leaf in the pocket of his uniform's jacket, but then he remembered that he wasn't wearing any clothes. 

There was a bottle of Febreeze underneath of Levi's bed, however. Eren supposed that Levi drank it every night before bed, or perhaps use it as a weapon. Maybe spraying some in his face would calm Levi down enough to stop the seizure. 

Eren lunged across the room, knocking over a lamp in the process. He clutched the Febreeze tightly in his hand and sprayed it once, twice, three times in Levi's face. 

Levi's laughter transformed into violent coughing as he began to choke on Febreeze. He collapsed onto the floor, wheezing. 

Eren screamed, voice cracking. This was not supposed to happen. First, he shook Levi's shoulders. Then he sprayed the Febreeze into the air with frustration. Finally, he fell down beside Levi, body hung limply over the couch. The screaming turned to whimpering, and heavy breathing. Levi was going to die. 

With a loud bang, the door slammed open, and Armin came in like a wrecking ball. "EREN?? EREN!" he screamed in a gay voice. "EREN, ARE YOU OKAY?" 

Eren's head whipped around, just in time to see Armin stop in his tracks. "...Eren...?" he whispered, face going red. "...not this. Not this."

Levi raised his head with a mighty coughing. He gasped for air, with a loud, raspy noise. 

"HE SPRAYED IT IN MY MOUTH. HE SPRAYED IT IN MY MOUTH, AND IT TASTES LIKE FLOWERS." 

Eren fell against the couch again. 

Dark anime lines appeared on Armin's forehead, and he began to back out of the room. "No," he muttered, shaking his head. "No, no, no." 

Levi coughed one more time, giggled, and then collapsed onto the floor. 

INSERT HELLA DIVIDER HERE

Two hours and a lot of hair stroking later, Armin was starting to feel better. Mikasa was a very good therapist, even if she didn't say much and sometimes laughed at Armin's problems. Her presence was comforting, as was her hair stroking. They were sitting in their usual spot, in front of the fireplace, Armin's head resting on a pillow in Mikasa's lap. Jean was sitting on his other side, caressing Armin's knees. Armin felt safe, and loved. And distressed. 

"I don't know, Mikasa," he groaned. "Sometimes I wonder if Eren even wants to see the outside world anymore. Lately, all he's been interested in seeing is Levi's fucking non-existent ass. I thought we were in this together, joining the scouting legion and dying and stuff, but...I hate teenagers."

Mikasa completed a third braid in Armin's hair. "Armin, you are a teenager," she reminded him. 

Armin whimpered. "I...I know. But I'm a...cool teenager." 

Jean burst into yet another fit of giggles. "I can't fucking believe Eren finally got some." He snickered, and turned to Mikasa. "You know what, I bet Levi's so short that he didn't even have to bend down." 

Mikasa covered her mouth, and tried to stop herself from laughing. Armin slapped his hand over his eyes. "Jean, please," he hissed. 

In some other part of the castle, Bertholt Fubar began to sweat.


End file.
